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Marriage Counseling: I've lost my desire for sexDear Dr. Ellen: I have lost my desire for sex. I am 45 and my husband is 47. Every time my husband approaches me I turn him down. He's getting fed up with me and says that if something doesn't change then he'll find someone who is interested. I don't know what to do. I can't make myself feel like I'm in the mood when I'm not. - JoanDear Joan: I believe that you do not have to wait for a feeling to come first before taking action. When I speak in front of a group I ask couples to stand up and kiss for 10 seconds. I do this demonstration because I want to point out to people that even though they may FEEL distant, annoyed, embarrassed, humiliated or uncomfortable before the kiss, when they do it anyway, no matter how they feel, the result of their ACTIONS makes them feel connected, warm, tender, safe and even passionate. In fact, some of them enjoyed it so much that they didn't stop even when their time was up. Some of us were taught to believe that we must FEEL a certain way before we can ACT a certain way. Quite frankly, if I waited to do things until I felt like it, I'd never do anything! I propose a different point of view: YOU CAN CREATE LOVE EVERY DAY BY DOING IT AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT FEELING IT! For a lot of men, sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and self worth. In the "Hite Report on Male Sexuality", hundreds of men were asked, "Why do you like intercourse?" The psychological or emotional reason most men gave was the feeling of being loved and accepted. One man summed it up by saying; "Intercourse continually reaffirms my close attachment with my mate. It tells me she loves me. It gives me confidence. It makes me feel wanted." This is not something your husband can live without. Sometimes, understanding sex from a man's point of view, helps bring out the warm, caring and tender feelings that are there inside you. Continual rejection will open him up to the possibility of seeking what he needs from someone else. Most women do not understand how strong a man's sexual drive is. We've all heard stories about successful politicians, actors, ministers, and other highly visible men who risk everything they've worked so hard to achieve for the sake of an extramarital affair. It doesn't matter who he is or how successful he is, every man wants to feel wanted and needed physically. Not only should you not continually reject him, but once in a while initiate sex. It was actor, Paul Newman, who once said, "I don't need to get hamburger outside my marriage when I get steak at home!" Of course, there is another possibility. If you are not getting your emotional needs met, it is almost impossible to respond sexually. My course teaches men that, for a woman, kindness, gentleness, devotion, commitment, caring, attention, patience and compliments are all important if you want a woman to respond to your needs. A woman whose mate takes the time to let her know that she is special, needed, appreciated and loved will be far more available sexually than a woman who is neglected or ignored. - Dr. Ellen Back to Dr. Ellen's Marriage Counseling Advice Articles
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