|
|
| |
 |
|
 | | |
 |
 Download Program for Your iPod Now MY PROGRAMS  For Women Only For Men Only ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
|
|
|
|
Marriage Counseling: My wife is turning me offDear Dr. Ellen: I am a 41 year-old man who has been married for 16 years and we have 5 children. My wife just turned 40 and I still think she is beautiful. Lately she has started wearing ugly clothes and she doesn't seem to care that she is turning me off by it. My frustration lies in the battle for her time. She is consumed with the kids, her friends, her church, and her hobbies. I have to literally fight with her to get any time with her, and then that time is worthless because of the fighting. The more time passes the more I am getting used to being alone. I find myself being able to relate to other women a lot better than my own wife.She used to have a career until 2 years ago. Now she home schools the kids. I try to pamper her, but the more I do, the lazier she becomes. Sometimes I can't stand being around her because she is so lazy about things that matter to me. She is the baby of 5 kids, so I guess she will never change. I am a perfectionist and can do many things done extremely well. How do I deal with the frustration and loneliness and learn to accept the way things are? It seems so simple to "just do it", but in reality it's not. - Carl Dear Carl: I have a tough time attributing the word, "lazy", to a woman who home schools 5 children. I could imagine "exhausted" or "unappreciated" or "overwhelmed" as more accurate descriptions. Home schooling 5 kids is more than 1 full-time job, especially since there are no breaks and lunch hours. You mentioned that she had a career 2 years ago. I am sure that her work was rewarded with raises and praises, neither of which she is getting now. One of the things you might have to work on is being less critical. The only reason I say that is because you mentioned that you are a perfectionist. Perfectionists tend to criticize their mate's way of doing things and always feel that they could do things better. She may be escaping to friends, church and hobbies because it is a way for her to relax. It is so easy for all of us to blame another person for what they are doing to us. The harder question to ask is "What in me is driving my mate further and further away?" I have always felt that if a woman doesn't get the emotional fulfillment she needs from her husband, she will find it elsewhere. Try to take a baby step and invite her out to dinner. Schedule it far enough in advance so that you can find a babysitter. That would be a good time for you to talk about your feelings. You must include how you think she is feeling as well. Here's a good way to begin. Approach your wife in a very loving way and say the following, "I feel so lonely lately and I really want to work on us feeling closer and more connected. We seem to be drifting further and further apart. I know that you are extremely overworked and the job of home schooling our children is overwhelming. I want you to know how much I admire and appreciate what you are doing. I'd also like to know if there is anything that I can do to make your life easier?" Then I'd like you to buy a calendar and ask her to fill in all of her commitments. You do the same. Then look at it together and say, "I'd like us to spend one night a week alone together. We could make that our "date night." Sometimes we can go out and other times we can stay in, but the rule would be, that no matter what, it's our night together. Remind her of what I always say, "The best gift you ever give your children is having a loving relationship with each other. The happiest and most well-adjusted children come from a home where "mommy" and "daddy" love each other. - Dr. Ellen Back to Dr. Ellen's Marriage Counseling Advice Articles
|
|
|
|
 Download Program on Your Computer Now
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
|
|
|  | Copyright 2011 LHF Enterprises, Inc. - Marriage Counseling Alternative |  | |
