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Marriage Counseling: Our newborn is getting all the attentionDear Dr. Ellen: You're going to think that I am the worst father alive but here it goes anyway: Ever since my wife gave birth, she pays very little attention to me. I know she's exhausted, and nursing the baby takes up a lot of time, but I can't help feeling jealous of my son. I don't know what to do with my feelings but I do know that I feel so awful for having them. - PeteDear Pete: Even though you can never have the biological experience of pregnancy or childbirth and cannot possibly understand the psychological turmoil that accompanies so many physical changes, you do have your own adjustments to make. Believe me you are not alone. Many men have said that they don't like having to share their wife's love with someone else, even though that someone else is only 7 pounds. The sheer physical pleasure of snuggling, caressing, rubbing, tickling, and holding that was once reserved for you is now shared with a child. Many times a mother may also feel hostility toward her child if she finds her husband paying more attention to the child than he does to her. This is a time when both partners need to feel loved and desired. Each waits for the other to give a kiss, a hug, a message or anything to show how he or she cares. Neither does anything. Both are disappointed and angry. Each person thinks, it was never like this before we had a baby! The most important thing to do during this crucial time is to be sensitive to each other's needs and to share your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit that you feel jealous, resentful or hurt. I have found that many couples are ashamed of their feelings, thinking it's not right or "normal" to feel what they feel. Fear that your feelings are unacceptable will cause you to hide them and will interfere with open communication. Such a lack of communication can eventually destroy a relationship. Let your wife know that you need to feel close to her and together see if you can come up with a plan that will accomplish that. Helping out as much as you can with the housework, preparation of meals and holding and changing the baby, may give your wife the extra time she needs in order to give you the attention you need. - Dr. Back to Dr. Ellen's Marriage Counseling Advice Articles
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